You have to be patient to get the doctor's appointment.

I was dropped from the 100 meters running team after I kept on getting tired before the finish line.

 My coach said that I was not performing up to the mark.

The guy who invented the time machine is way ahead of his time.

I visited an antique computer store.

Just to bring back old memories.

My mate loves sitting for a long time and when the seat heats up, he starts talking about the existential questions of humanity.

He is a warm-chair philosopher.

People say that I'm a cunt because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions. I beg to differ.

I own a solar powered food maker. It's an apple tree.

Gym.

I've opened a gym, in which the instructors would go from door to door and brag about the various benefits of joining it. I've named it 'Jehovah's Fitness'.

Setup pun

Some of my friends secretly downloaded an EXE file into my laptop.

It was a setup.

Faith in humanity restored.

I'd deleted a file named 'Faith in humanity' but later on, I got it back from the recycle bin.

Faith in humanity restored.

Animal Pun

I've opened a barber shop for animals.

We only do hare cuts.

Atheism Oneliner

Calling atheism a religion is like calling virginity a sex position.

Time Pun

When my clock stopped working, I managed to repair it in no time.

Reason for not going to the gym

I didn't go to the gym today.

The escalator there was not working.

Astronomy pun

I just had a trip to the International Space Station.

All I can do now, is stare at the astronomical bill.

Physics pun

In my physics class, I was asked, "What's the lowest temperature that's ever possible?"

My knowledge on this topic was Absolute Zero.

Misunderstanding pun

In our astronomy class, we were asked to write an essay on Mars.

I thought to myself, "How the fuck did they manage to sponsor our space travel?"

Mathematical Pun 4

I never borrow anything.

That's why I suck at subtracting numbers.

Seal pun

I was breaking a seal at work today when a colleague said, "How the fuck did you bring this animal from Antarctica?"

Geometry pun 2

The contents of my geometry box always helps me to defend myself from my enemies.

It's my protractor